All things lost, to never be found
by MediumRight
Summary: When you're wrung out and nothing short of broken, you chase highs. You lace your dreams with chemicals and hope to ease the nightmare of your life. You run from one place to another, hoping your demons will not catch up with you. (They do). And he looks at you like he could save you, this Trafalgar Law with his eyes of storm. / Triggerwarning: attempted suicide
1. Chapter 1

_When you're wrung out and nothing short of broken, you chase highs. You lace your dreams with chemicals and hope to ease the nightmare of your life. You run from one place to another, hoping your demons will not catch up with you. (They do). You misplace your desires on doorsteps and hopes your heart isn't trodden on when it's discovered, but you never stay long enough to find out. You only go where the sunlight won't find you. You only hope in vain to never see yourself as you are – chipped, used, and forgotten, bent out of shape by the sins of your own making._

 _And he looks at you like he could save you, this Trafalgar Law with his eyes of storm._

x x x

He woke up to the sound of machines beeping his life signals, an unfamiliar, intrusive sound that sent his heart racing into panic as he sat up in back, reeling back from the sudden rush of blood to his head and his arms frantically mooring him to the hospital bed by holding onto the railings on either side. Immediately, he could feel the frenzy of movement in the room as uniformed personnel quickly took their places to calm him down, and he knew this in his mind even when his heart wouldn't allow it to happen, knew he had to come down from his panic –

And then he walks into the room.

When Luffy first met Law's eyes, he felt the world was trembling to a stop to accommodate the moment for them, that Law demanded, _commanded_ the attention and scrutiny and the very breath in Luffy's lungs to stay still and just _notice_ him. His movements, so carelessly graceful, just hinted at the energy of the older doctor as he looked down at his notes once, before looking up at Luffy with his lips drawn into a solemn line and said. "Calm down, Mr. Monkey, we're taking care of you."

And then he moved across the room into Luffy's space and Luffy was just too – awestruck? surprised? – that he stopped moving and just looked up at Law silently, drawing an approving smile that didn't quite reach his eyes from his Doctor, and then Law was checking his vitals and telling him he was going to be fine, they'd saved him, they were going to call in for his psychiatric counsel today and Luffy remembered, oh, he'd tried to kill himself, and Law didn't judge, just warily looked at Luffy with eyes that were a myriad of emotions Luffy couldn't read, and then he walked out of the door leaving Luffy feeling empty, empty, empty.

Choking up, Luffy laid back in his bed and curled in on himself, letting the sobs wreak over his frame and feeling the hot, salty tears fall down his face into his white, shiny bed covers and then he felt arms, hands around him and knew the closest thing he had to a family was here, that Nami was holding him and telling him he was going to be fine, and he knew she'd been the one to call them and he didn't know to hate her or love her for it for not letting him die.

x x x

They seemed to love writing up notes on prescription pads about him but he wasn't at all interested in knowing what was in there, he barely had the will to even get through the day and Luffy spent most of his time wondering where he had gone wrong, feeling helplessly hopeless every time he thought about dying and knew he couldn't, not now, not yet, because Nami looked so broken up and he hadn't spoken to her since he'd woken up, but he hadn't really spoken to anyone either and the only conversation he seemed to be having was the one in his head.

Until his Doctor came, walking into his room while he'd been asleep, waking him up with one finger pressed against his pulse and looking down at him in worry, letting out a sigh and pulling up a chair to sit with him. And Luffy realized it was late and he must be getting out of his shift, and didn't understand why he was spending time here. Law talked, and Luffy slipped in and out of consciousness but was glad for the warmth of this strange presence that kept him from losing grip as he was so close to doing. With morning come, Law was gone, but he was back again that night, and the night after that, and Luffy started finding strength in his solid presence the way he couldn't in Nami's soft breaking against his shores like she was an ocean full of worry.

x x x

When Luffy's discharged, it's been three months since he was brought to the hospital in an ambulance with a very frantic Nami holding onto his shirt and essentially saving his life in ways he hadn't asked to be saved. The road to recovery had been slow, biting, stumbling, but he'd gotten better enough for his psychiatrist to deem his safe to return home, although he still felt so misplaced, like everything he'd ever lost could be felt tumbling around inside of him where he couldn't find it as hard as he searched. He'd started speaking about a month and a half into his hospital admission, his first words had been asking for water from the Doctor that so patiently visited him every night, and then it had been a struggle to recovery there, but they told him later that as hard as taking that first step was, he had decided to live, chosen to chose himself, and that was good, that was good.

He still had to remind himself that was good, that choosing life wasn't a mistake. There were still things he couldn't explain, things he didn't want to disclose, couldn't because of the shame or the guilt, but they told him his therapy sessions were over and he'd be seeing more of his counselor Robin, that he was going to have to figure it out eventually, that he didn't need to have all the answers just yet. He wanted to believe them, but the feeling was so belated and it didn't feel true to his gut, but goddamn, he was trying, wasn't he? And that was good. That was good.

The first person to find him was Nami, in the small apartment they shared, she crowded into him on the couch and held him in silence until they fell asleep. He'd spoken to her barely in the past few months, once to say he'd forgiven her and the other, to ask if it was really okay for him to live, and he knew that she loved him insanely and that he was the light in her life and it wasn't fair for her, to live without him. And he understood, in the strange way that only he and Nami would understand, that as fucked up as their lives were they only had each other to count on. Prostituting themselves out to barely get by, getting high on drugs and binge drinking alcohol, living in the murkiest shadiest neighborhoods and barely getting by, at least they had each other to do that. Nami was the only solid thing in is life ever since he can remember, growing up on the streets in this filthy rich country that didn't give a second thought to beggars.

So he kissed her on the forehead when he thought she was sleeping, and apologized so many times his throat hurt, and then he let sleep take him away.

And in the morning, when insistent knocking woke them up, the last person he expected to see on the doorstep was Dr. Trafalgar Law.

x x x

He doesn't ask if he can come in, just barges in like it's his business, his unreadable eyes looking around the room and taking in the narrow space with the cluttered furniture and dirty dishes that needed doing and cracks in the walls and in the foundation and the smell of the sewage from nearby pipes nearly overwhelming, but they'd gotten used to it because it was all they knew. And then he looks at Luffy with eyes that looked angry but weren't, and Luffy thought they could hold lightning at the intensity of it, and Nami excuses herself and goes to the bathroom where they could hear her snorting coke and then Trafalgar Law crosses the space between them until he's standing right next to Luffy, looking down at him and Luffy holds his breath, because Law is so near, too near, and then Law reaches up a hand and brushes a hand down Luffy's cheeks and Luffy closes his eyes and lets the tears fall. And then Law takes Luffy into his arms like he had never been allowed to in the hospital room, and Luffy lets the fears and the worries and the sadness overwhelm him, feels it wash over him so completely he's exhausted and worn out when he's finally stopped shaking from the sobs that wrecked his small frame, and Law is still there holding him so tightly Luffy can't breathe – but he can, he can, because Law has made it easier to and Law smells like hospital and spice and Luffy buries his head further in Law's chest and inhales.

x x x

Law settles into their life slowly, starting from take-out meals on their dirty floor cracking jokes and telling them long stories about the hospital, to getting Nami a job at a nearby cinema working at the counter that pays small but well enough to keep her from going back to prostitution. For Luffy, the reintegration into society takes longer and Law is patient, he just stands and watches Luffy sometimes and Luffy can feel something in his stomach, like a ghost of a longing that was always too fleeting for him to remember to look for it. Law makes sure Luffy goes to therapy, and some days, if the end of his shift coincides with the end of Luffy's therapy sessions, they go to Law's place and curl under the warmer blankets and fall asleep, Law's arms wrapped protectively around Luffy's body and Luffy's back pressed against Law's solid chest. Luffy learns the feel of Law's fingers between his, the smell of Law's neck, the feel of Law's hair against his face, but they never fuck, they don't even kiss, and Luffy is eternally grateful to Law for understanding that the last thing Luffy could do was _feel._

Law even starts cleaning up their apartment in his free time, without permission, with a determined air they knew not to argue with, and Luffy could tell Nami was growing increasingly comfortable with this new fixture in their life, even if he kept insisting she stop doing drugs. Nami was only going to try, but Luffy knew it was going to be harder for Nami, and when he felt the tension between the two of them increase, he moved to hold Law's hand and Law understood, and he moved to stand close enough to breath Luffy in, and he calmed down, and they changed the subject and he took them out to dinner and they would have a nice night.

Once, he woke up and Law was watching him, grey eyes warm and open and _wanting,_ and he'd bit his lips and looked away. Luffy could feel a blush coloring his cheeks, and then Law was nuzzling his neck and asking him what he liked, and Luffy couldn't remember what he liked to do before the emptiness took over, so he was silent. He felt Law go still, and knew he'd worried him, and then Luffy had gently sighed and deadpanned that he couldn't remember the last time he did anything for pleasure, and Law had looked at him with eyes that bordered on pity but weren't, and had instead brought Luffy closer to a hug and kissed his forehead – sending shivers down Luffy's spine – and telling him they can figure it out together.

And thus started Law's single minded journey to find something Luffy liked, which included experimental trips to the carnival, going on crazy rides that sent Luffy's heart racing, trying out different kinds of food together, watching series curled up in each other's arms, stolen nights on rooftops they had no right to be on. And Luffy found his heart laughing and his mind easing up with this charming young man who'd come out of the blue and found him _interesting_ , when he'd always been this side of bland, and so when he kissed Law he was surprised by how earnestly and how hungrily Law kissed back, like Luffy was everything he could and had ever wanted, and Luffy had melted into his arms in two heartbeats, his fingers in Law's hair. Law's hands on his cheeks had moved down to his neck, and Luffy had arched his head back to give Law access and Law had left his bruises and marks where Luffy had wanted him, and they'd panted against each other's mouths when they'd run out of breath, too afraid of leaving too much space between them. And Luffy had said that maybe he liked this too, and Law had smiled like the sun had just come out from behind the cloud and Luffy had never noticed how vibrant and beautiful Law truly was until then.


	2. Chapter 2

It was six months since Luffy's discharge from the hospital, and he could think in consecutive sentences that were not borderline suicidal and self-destructive and he could laugh from the bottom of his soul easily in ways he'd once forgotten how to. Luffy had grown accustomed to sleeping in Law's bed, waking up to unhurried kisses in the morning and then finding that warmth leaving his side as Law got ready to go to the hospital. He would turn over on his side and watch Law, watch the water drops from his hair teasingly drop down to the towel he had wrapped around his torso as he exited the shower, watch as the muscles on his back ripple as he pulled on his shirt, watch the smirk that lit up his face as he saw Luffy watching him. And Luffy felt giddy with domestication and desire, as he'd get up from bed, shivering as his feet hit the cold floor and moving across the distance between them to kiss Law softly on the shoulder and ask him to have a good day.

Law would move to the kitchen to make breakfast and Luffy would quickly have a shower, get changed from his evening wear and hurry down to the kitchen to the smell of good food wafting in. Breakfast was their most intimate, when Law's cooking was tailored to Luffy's tastes and Luffy would tease behind Law and run his fingers up Law's back under his shirt, and Law would shiver and kiss him swiftly before breakfast was served. Luffy thought it was nothing short of a miracle that four months after they'd first kissed, they were still taking it slow – keeping it down to kisses that were sometimes chaste and sometimes hungry and ravaging, but never going too far. Sometimes it worried Luffy, but other times he was grateful because he wasn't sure how much he could give someone else, when he didn't have enough to hold onto himself.

Then Law would look at him with eyes full of adoration, his eyes teasing across the contours of Luffy's face, settling on his lips hungrily, finding his eyes lovingly, and his heart beat harder in his chest and he knew he'd find out in due time.

x x x

Nami's life didn't become dull as much as lonely after Law swooped into their life and swept Luffy away in his arms. It wasn't that Nami resented them, it wasn't that Nami didn't want for Luffy to have all the happiness that Law provided him, it was just that Nami was left without someone to keep her company as the nights grew longer. Even though they kept a wary eye on her drug habits, and Nami insisted she wasn't snorting anymore, there were multiple ways of being self-destructive and the newest one was binge eating and then throwing up in the bathroom, holding herself together because the only person she could count on anymore was herself.

So when Sanji took an interest in her, and started flirting blatantly, Nami thought she had the perfect excuse to lose herself in something that could satisfy her libido and make her feel at least, a little less alone. Except Sanji was attentive and caring and _noticed –_ when she went to the bathroom, he noticed, when she ate too much, he noticed, when she was retching on the bathroom floor, he was there at the door and he took her in his arms and carried her to bed and made her promise to never do it, promises she uttered while losing consciousness that she couldn't recall.

In the morning, he had a proposition that both surprised and shocked her, when he demanded that she leave the cluttered, dirty, used apartment that she called a home and move in with him, that he was here for the long run and he wasn't going to disappear. And she'd looked at him across the oceans of loneliness and sorrow she held and looked away, because whether or not he was committed didn't matter because if there was one thing Nami was good at, it was running away.

So when she dialed Luffy's number on shaky fingers and asked him to come over, she was looking for alternate solutions than commitment to a beautiful blond rich guy who could have anybody in the world, but wanted to play savior. Nami didn't want to be saved.

x x x

Luffy and Law were just clearing up their breakfast when Luffy's cellphone rang, and he picked it up quickly, laughing across the room at a joke Law had just said as he answered. Nami sounded broken on the line, and Luffy could feel the wind getting knocked out of him. He knew he had to go. Guilt and shame clawed on his skin because he knew exactly why he'd been spending so much time with Law, and avoiding Nami – Nami reminding him of all the things wrong in his life that he wanted to forget, a diseased part he was too afraid to amputate, something that was like cancer in his life. And the selfish part of Luffy wanted to break away, wanted to self-preserve and lose himself into this new life he'd discovered, but it felt strangely delusional and unhealthy and he'd never admit this out loud to anybody because he could be a better person than that.

When Law dropped Luffy off at Nami's, he kissed him twice – once for luck, and once for themselves, and Luffy savored the latter as much as he could before he said goodbye to Law.

Nami was alone when he walked in, on the sofa they used to sleep in, and he took her into his arms and let her cry it out. She told him about Sanji, about being so scared, about wanting to run away, about not deserving this, about turning out to be a disappointment, and Luffy understood, he understood so painfully he closed his eyes and slowed down his breathing so he could be there for her. Giving her a painful squeeze of the shoulders, telling her that life was what she made of it, that she'd saved him once and now it was time to chose to save herself, he let his words sink in in the near silence of the room and was surprised when Nami's face turned determined and she kissed him on the cheek.

And so they decided to say goodbye to the apartment that once homed them. And so Luffy bit back on telling her he maybe didn't want to see her anymore, and promised he was always going to be there if things went sour, that they had a friendship that had lasted the trials of time and he was going to be the constant in her life she couldn't get rid of.

x x x

And then Luffy went to work, because in the past few months he'd started working at a travel agency, starting from a job at the counter but surprisingly, steadily moving up. He had bigger responsibilities now, and he was surprised at how well he managed it. When he'd first started dressing for the job, Nami had been shocked and Law had been delighted, and he knew he was on the right path to recovery, getting a hang of his life. His business partner and boss, Zoro, was brash and blunt and quick to point out what needed to be done – mostly silent, but amazingly resilient and even though Luffy had no breakdowns at the workplace, he'd made sure they knew the struggles he was dealing with when he'd started working for them.

That's why every Wednesday, he went to therapy with Robin, who he'd grown comfortable with in the many months he'd been seeing her. He talked to her about everything, even his misgivings with Nami, his guilt for being weak enough to feel it, his worries with Law and why Law wouldn't move past just the kissing, how he didn't want to disappoint Zoro. And Robin would smile and tell him it was good that he was caring and being cared after, remind him that he'd started feeling, and give him exercises to do whenever he had an anxiety or panic attack. There had been months when Luffy couldn't stand at the edge of railings because the impulse to jump had been too strong, but he'd always stepped back, and he knew it was the little victories that counted. She always left him with a hug, making Luffy feel lighter than he'd walked him, and he'd realize he'd been collecting weights throughout the week and Robin anchored him instead of letting him drown, and for that he was grateful.

x x x

When he got to Law's place, Law was curled up on the sofa reading a storybook, and he put aside as Luffy bounded in. Luffy made a beeline to Law, sitting on his lap and leaning down to kiss him, and Law kissed him back hungrily, his fingers moving to cup the back of Luffy's neck, tousling in Luffy's hair. Luffy's mouth dropped open, and Law's tongue was invasive and exploring, leaving Luffy weak in the knees and melting down onto Law. With his free arm, Law wrapped around Luffy's torso to hold him, and then in one swift move, turned so that Luffy was below him and Law was topping. Luffy wrapped his legs tight around Law's waist, letting him feel how hard Luffy was, how much he wanted Law, how much he needed Law to have him. Against his thighs, he could feel Law's longing, and suddenly it was too much and he was breaking the kiss to ask if he wasn't good enough, and why Law didn't want to have sex with him.

And Law had dropped his head into the alcove of Luffy's neck, his breath hot against Luffy's skin and whispered that he wanted him, he wanted him so badly it drove him insane, but didn't Luffy realize Law couldn't have him until Luffy was stable? And with a guilty wrench of his heart Luffy realized that Law was still waiting, worrying, for the next time he'd discover slashed wrists and far-gone eyes and a Luffy who'd given up on the world. And without meaning to, Luffy starts to cry and Law holds him tighter and comforts him, whispering how much he wanted to Luffy, that Luffy meant the world to him and Law wasn't sure what he'd do to live without him, but he didn't want to find out, he didn't. And Luffy hated it, having someone else's expectancies for him to live, but he knew in his heart that Law was being raw and honest and Luffy needed to give him something solid that he could hold onto, instead of a ghost that would go away too quickly leaving Law all alone.

So Luffy promised, and Luffy meant it, when he said he was in this life, and not for Law. He wasn't living for Law, but had become such an important part of his life now and he didn't want to live without him, and he was sorry, sorry, sorry, for making Law worry. And he kisses Law messily on the side of his face, and Law pulls his lower lip into his mouth and kisses him like he's the very air that Law needs to breathe, and Luffy is pulling Law's shirt off his head and Law is unbuttoning Luffy's jeans and they're both holding their breath. Law is gentle with Luffy's undoing, and Luffy is begging for release as his mouth finds him and takes him in and teases and wants and his tongue is everything Luffy had ever wanted. And Luffy's hands in Law's hair are pulling back tightly and roughly and Luffy is moaning Law's name as he arches his back and comes in Law's mouth. And it takes Luffy a while to come down, but Law's mouth on his thighs, the skin of his stomach, his waist, keep him grounded and when he opens his eyes again it's to look into Law's storm-cloud ones, thinking it looked like a clear day after rain. And Luffy kisses him tightly, pulling him down hard, and Law kisses back equally roughly, and them Luffy fumbles with Law's belt and gets it off, gets Law's pants off, and Law takes off Luffy's shirt, and now they're both naked and hot against each other and Law asks if Luffy wants to go to the bedroom, before carrying him inside onto the bed and laying him down gently.

Luffy doesn't know what to equate this situation to, because he'd never _wanted_ anybody like he'd wants Law, he'd always let his body be a vessel for someone else's pleasure without letting himself feel anything good. But Law kisses him so sweetly, savoring him, his mouth, his neck, his shoulder blades. And then Law's wrists are around his ankles, pulling it against his shoulders and Law starts kissing him from his ankle to the space between his thighs, and Luffy is shivering and moaning and clutching the sheets between his fists as he starts to get hard again. And then his mouth is on Luffy's again, reminding him that it's Law, one of his hands going to unknot Luffy's from the bed sheets to hold onto Luffy, to give something to hold onto, while his other fingers play against his dick, his balls, and then down to his hole, teasing. And then Law's mouth was on Luffy's hole and Luffy had never been eaten out like this, so gently and passionately and beautifully he thought he could cry from all the emotions that exploded in him, and then Law had inserted one finger, and then two, and Luffy moved against them, getting used to the pressure and the feel. He was already lose, because Law made him feel at ease, made him feel relaxed, and Law explored till he found the spot that made Luffy melt, and then he smiled and looked at Luffy and Luffy caught his breath because Law was beautiful and he couldn't believe Law wanted him, that Luffy could make him this happy.

Luffy moans his name and Law answers by kissing him, his tongue exploring inside Luffy's mouth and calming him, his hands holding steadfast to Luffy's while he fucked Luffy with his fingers. Luffy's free hand tentatively finds Law's dick, his fingers running across the member to get a feel of it, before he cups it in his fist and feel Law moaning into his mouth, and then Luffy's teasing him and jerking him off and Law is a mess, moving on top of Luffy to the rhythm of his hands. And then Luffy directs Law's dick to his hole, and Law opens his eyes in curiosity and question, and Luffy nods and gives Law a smile and Law kisses him tightly. Then he breaks off the contact, reaches for the bedside drawer to get lubes, gets himself ready as he positions himself beside Luffy, and pushes in with his eyes holding onto Luffy's and Luffy holding onto Law's shoulder blades for sanity. There isn't pain, only pressure, and as Law eases into a rhythm it's laced with pleasure and Luffy is such a fucking, needy mess under Law, and Law kisses him so insistently till the pace picks up till they can't focus anymore, and they keep their foreheads close to each other and pant against each other's mouth until Law comes, his body tensing, his eyes closing and his head dropping down to moan against Luffy's neck. Law keeps moving, his hands moving to cup Luffy's dick, which has been longing for attention, and with his clever fingers he brings Luffy into a shattering orgasm for the second time that night.

Law is getting soft as he pulls out, lying down across his back and letting the aftershocks wash over them, pulling Luffy closer to him and kissing his head and telling him that he was good, he was great, and he looked so beautiful, and Luffy is too spent for words so he kisses Law's chest lazily as they fall asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Notes: thanks for the reviews! helps the writing. prepare your hearts, a change is coming.

When Nami moved in with Sanji, she hadn't been prepared for the implications of a rich guy living with a whore girl like herself. Sanji lived by himself, in the upper east side of their town, where the rich and the privileged enjoyed the comforts of property that had been passed down to them for generations. Sanji ran his own private business, but his wealth was also that of his family's, and therefore they played a role in his life that Nami wasn't warned she'd have to deal with.

The first person to find out about their living arrangement was his sister Reiji, who'd treated Nami with both curiosity and cautiousness, coming in with questions and digging into the past she didn't want to replay. But in all her innocence she'd been truthful about her background, and the repercussions of this didn't reach her until Sanji got called away one day, was gone for most of the night, and came home angry and frustrated, pacing about the house as he muttered angrily and kept smoking through his pack. Nami had been asleep when he'd come in, but the sound of the door banging and woken her, and she padded down the stairs in her pajamas, hair messy and eyes sleepy, and he'd looked at her with such intensity she was afraid. And then he'd taken her into his arms and kissed her gently, so softly, in direct contrast with his temperament that she was reminded again of how much he cared for her, and how he could ease her worried mind by showing her he was capable of remaining cool, whatever was bothering him.

When he finally told her the truth over a meal he'd spent most of the afternoon preparing, it was three weeks later and he'd sounded so bitter and angry she'd asked if it would be better if she relocated. The angry glare he shot her told her that was out of question, and he assured her that nothing had to change yet, that they could figure it out.

The last thing she expected was for him to go down on his knees, holding out an engagement ring with a diamond larger than any she'd seen, and asking her if she was okay with becoming part of the family. And Nami said yes.

x x x

Luffy's work was taking up most of his time now. He'd even been sent on some trips to different towns, and there was a rumor going around that his next assignment would be overseas. Luffy was excited about the prospect, having grown up in the shitty shambles of the town, there was little of the world he'd seen, and the thought of adventure excited him. So when he bounded in home to Law and told him, Law had laughed and run his hand across Luffy's cheeks, and told him it was time they went on a vacation together.

So Luffy took his first leave from work and Law made arrangements at the hospital, and they said goodbye to Nami and Sanji and went to a cabin on the beach five hours away from their time. Luffy had spent most of the ride doing everything but sitting still, the exhilaration of leaving the town feeding his euphoria. Law would take his eyes off the road to look at him sometimes, eyes fond and loving, and Luffy would settle back down as he felt the warmth in his stomach branch out and spread through his limbs, wondering what lay in store for them if just a look could undo him as much.

The cabin had wooden floors and comfortable pillows, all bright colors and comfort and warmth. They'd consummated the trip on the couch first, before they went out to explore the beachfront. The air was salty, and the waves tickled Luffy's feet as he walked. He was giddy with happiness, running across the sand into Law's waiting arms when Law called him, wearing a smile that made the him look like the sun. Luffy had kissed his face, his neck, his shoulders, curling into Law as he wrapped his legs around him. And Law had held him closer and laughed, because he had never seen Luffy so exuberantly happy, and knowing this side of him existed, that Law had reached it, made him happy.

x x x

Sanji had been fighting with his family again. Nami could tell, when he worked through the door with the storm clouds above his head. She'd moved to make room for him where she was sitting, and he'd sunk into the seat, lighting a smoke almost immediately, exhaling it with his eyes closed and head on her shoulder. She felt her heart sinking, constantly worried that she was the reason for his turbulence with the family, but he never let her talk about that or equate herself to it, always shooting it down as something he didn't want to hear, but you could only keep it buried for so long.

He told her through gritted teeth that his parents had no intention of respecting his wishes, and had arranged his marriage to a girl from a better family and a better background, with _qualifications_ as if there was a checklist of things you needed to be before you could marry him. She'd felt her heart constrain in on it, hoping that by being smaller it would hurt less, but the hurt was real and all encompassing. The urge to run was strong, she could feel the adrenaline in her system asking her to go, go, go, never look back, because she loved this boy with his beautiful curls and crassy sense of humor and amazing dishes and compulsive smoking habit, she loved him with all her heart and the last thing she wanted was to be the thorn in his side keeping him from having good relationships with his family.

Nami hadn't had a family, never got to call anyone "mother" or "father", never had siblings. She didn't understand how interlaced expectations were in families, because the closest thing she had was Luffy, who was as grounded as she in the harshness of their life. To Luffy, to Nami, barely getting by had been good enough. They didn't have dreams of being bigger; they didn't ambitions of filling shoes. And they never apologized for the way they lived, they never offered explanations for their sins and their crimes, because they'd been coping and dealing and _surviving,_ but now, everything that Nami was and had been was all the reasons why she wasn't good enough for a man like Sanji.

And she told him so, but he didn't believe her. She didn't stop, and he shut down the conversation by telling her they'd talk about it in the morning, and when he'd curled himself around her body as they fell asleep, Nami already knew there wouldn't be such a talk. She was going to settle thing herself.

x x x

Law told him he was beautiful. Law told him he was everything Law ever wanted. Law told him his laughter, his smile, his happiness, was precious. Law told him he would keep Luffy happy forever. Law told him he loved him. Law told him he loved him with everything Law has got.

Luffy loved him back, in both words and in actions.

x x x

Nami couldn't sleep, turning restlessly as Sanji dozed off beside her. Her thoughts were running, her guilt was tripping her, and when she got out of bed she'd already said her goodbye to Sanji with a quick kiss on his forehead.

She slipped out of the apartment, carrying only a small bag of her things a cigerrete she'd stolen from Sanji. She brought it to her lips, lit it, and inhaled. It had been such a long time; staying clean and avoiding the reality of the life she'd lived. She was not made to be a pretty wife of a good man. She'd always been this side of helpless, this side of desperate and moody and self-destructive, and if Sanji had thought he could tame her and name her his wife, he was wrong and his family was right. And she was going to let him know that, if he wouldn't have the conversation with her and let her go as reason cautioned he should, then she had to hurt him for him to know. She had to leave him for him to let her go.

She walked through the streets lit barely by the glow of the street lamps, with every step, feeling like she'd ripped out her heart and was walking on it. She knew Sanji wouldn't feel any better once he found out, but this was necessary. She couldn't let him commit the mistake of making her his family, when out there, there must be many girls who deserved him more than she did, could give him better love than she could.

Taking out her cell phone, she dialed the number of her dealer, the one who managed both her affairs and her drugs. He picked up, surprised to hear from her after she'd cut ties with him cold turkey, but delighted as well. She could hear it in Crocodile's voice as she hung up, that she was both going to pay for leaving him and also make him very rich. He must have clients that he thought were more tailored to her – the dirty, self-hating version of a girl some people found especially pleasing.

She didn't see the car approaching till the lights blinded her and the cellphone dropped from her hand, and she was thrown through the air and fell at an unnatural angle, eyes glazed and staring into nothing.

x x x

When Luffy's phone rang early in the morning, it was a call from the hospital asking him to come back to town.


	4. Chapter 4

It was evening when they buried her, and Luffy can't cry because he doesn't know how to, he just leans against Law and lets the older man carry his weight. His eyes are red and dry, but beside him Sanji is crying silently, shoulders shaking with the sobs he tried to contain. By his side, Reiji had an arm wrapped around his shoulder.

When Law takes him "home", Luffy feels dazed and detached. He looks up at Law, tries to see him through the emptiness that threatened to overwhelm him, and Law steps in to wrap his arms around Luffy and holds him. Luffy breathes him in, can feel how strong he is, is eternally grateful that he has Law – but now, he finds himself confessing how much he'd wanted Nami to disappear, and now that's happened, and it must be his fault, he hadn't really wanted Nami around.

Crocodile had come to the funeral, and when the older man had taken Luffy's hand with a careful look at Law, Luffy had shivered and withdrew into himself, afraid of his previous dealer. Nami had called him, Crocodile had to him. It was a tragedy he hadn't had the time to indulge in her again.

Luffy could only think, if he'd been available for Nami, if she'd truly known he'd be there for her no matter what, she would be the first person he turned to, and not Crocodile. If Luffy hadn't left her to fend herself, she wouldn't have started dating that golden haired boy who clearly couldn't protect her. Law hears all of this spilling from his lips and he still holds him. When Law pulls back to kiss Luffy on the forehead and tells him it's alright, things happen that we have no control over, it's not his fault to begin with – Luffy is amazed that Law doesn't see it. Law doesn't recognize the monster in Luffy that Luffy insists is still there. Law sees a better version of Luffy, and Luffy isn't entirely sure if he could be what Law needed him to be.


	5. Chapter 5

Law is there, every day, the warmth that Luffy curls into at night. Law's arms around him are strong, and his kisses in Luffy's forehead are tender. Luffy wakes up to lazy kisses and gets ready for work when Law goes to make breakfast. Standing infront of the mirror in the bathroom, Luffy tries to reconcile who he's become with someone who deserves to keep living, but his throat constricts and he can't keep his eyes on his reflection and needs to look away.

As the hospital gets busier and Law keeps staying longer at the hospital, Luffy gets used to dozing off on the couch while he waits for him. But some nights, the loneliness crawls into his chest and he rests his head on the couch and tries to curls into himself. Law finds him in the fetal position, nudges him awake and carries him to bed, where Luffy's fingers are desperate on Law's chest, as if he needs the reassurance that Law is really here.

Some days, Luffy would find himself heaving on the bathroom floor as the sadness hits - his fingers would always hesitate on his phone, afraid of calling Law because Luffy knew how busy Law was going to be.

Some days, he would meet up with Zoro, and while the older man was quiet and calming, it still didn't make Luffy feel safer.

So when he found himself returning to old habits, snorting drugs on the bathroom floor, he still willed himself to hide the evidenhce because this was his shame. This was his reality. This was what he wasn't strong enough to overcome. And although Law looked at him as if he believed in the good in Luffy, Luffy knew better. He wasn't better.

When Law comes home early one day, finding Luffy clammy and cold on the bathroom floor, his fingers press into the inside of Luffy's wrists and finds his pulse. He breathes. He takes Luffy's head into his lap, pushes his hair off his face, waits for him to stir. Luffy comes around slowly, muttering incohorently. He is shivering. The cold lives inside him now. When Luffy finds Law hovering above him, the guilt tries to rip through him, but he feels numb. He curls into himself, pulls his knees to his chest. Law's fingers are running through his hair. His expression is unreadable. Luffy closes his eyes. There are tears on his cheeks. He doesn't have words. He doesn't have apologies.

Later, when Law nudges him up and helps him undress so Luffy can take a shower, Luffy's head hangs low and his shoulders shake. He cries in the shower, and Law wraps his arms around him from behind. Law still doesn't speak. Luffy twists in his arms, rests his head on Luffy's shoulder. It's Law's quiet shaking that gives him away. Luffy looks up and he knows it's not just water running down his cheek.

Luffy falls asleep quickly, quietly, after he's taken back to bed. Law sits with his hands on his face.

Law stays home the next day.

And the next.

Luffy realizes he's taken a leave from work. He's there when Luffy is throwing up again. He's there when Luffy calls in sick again. He's there when Luffy is pushing the food around his plate, unable to swallow his food. He's there when Luffy falls asleep on the couch, too tired to stay awake.

Luffy wakes up to a dark apartment, with Law snoozing next to the foot of the couch. Law's fingers are in Luffy's, and when Luffy moves, so does Law. Law opens one sleepy eye and looks up at Luffy. Luffy buries his face in the curve of his arm because it's getting harder to look at Law now.

Law wants him to talk to him, but Luffy doesn't know what words to give that could comfort him. His swallows his numbness around the edge of guilt and shakes his head. Law's fingers are gentle running through his hair and Luffy thought he could feel the exact moment Law gives up, because Law moves to stand up and leaves to the room leaving Luffy on the couch, and Law doesn't come back. Luffy doesn't go to Law either. Lately, he's been wondering if this is the right thing to do, having Law carry so much of him when Law deserved better.

Luffy stayed awake through the night, and in the morning Zoro is at the door, asking Luffy to come back to work. Law stands in the doorway of their bedroom and watches Luffy - Luffy could feel the slow resentment in Law's eyes(m, and it made him feel helpless, as if he were being given away to Zoro. He falters near the door as he goes in to change, and Law moves away from him - it hurts, it's a subtle push away, and Luffy can feel his resolve shaking, but Zoro is still waiting for him. So he takes a quick shower, pulls on his old red shirt and baggy jeans, and leaves their apartment without so much as looking at Law.

Luffy doesn't go back home that night.

Instead, he wanders the streets, sneaks into a bar a little past midnight, gets lost in his drinking. He felt his phone vibrate and saw that it was Law calling him, but now that he'd left their apartment he felt the line between them growing distant and frayed. Luffy doesn't pick up, instead he moves onto the dance floor and tries to forget - and there are hands on his hips and lips on his neck, and he longs for Law but doesn't know how to go back.

Luffy doesn't go back to work in the morning, and he doesn't pick up Law's calls when he tries to reach him. He drinks to forget, he tries, but he thinks he's lost himself sometime back, back when he was so careless about Nami, and sometimes he thinks it's Law's fault for taking him out of the misery he was accustomed to, because at least with his sorrow, he'd known where he stood as long as he had Nami.

Luffy keeps returning to the same dark alleyways to sleep, and the people there have started to recognize him, and there's a boy with red hair and intense eyes who comes and sits next to him, and when he shares his joint Luffy feels like crying.

He misses Law, he misses home, but he doesn't want Law to find him wasted on the floor, doesn't want Law to see how wrecked he is, doesn't want Law to realize he's made a habit of slashing his wrists and he liked the way the blood kissed his skin.

His phone got stolen on the fifth night away and he didn't mind, not really. If he couldn't remember what being Luffy felt like, maybe it was better to not beanyone else. And in the haze of the cocktail of drugs he took in, it was easier to pretend. Days melting into another and Luffy was losing track of time.


End file.
